Forgive me for using our family's virtual scrapbook for voicing
personal thoughts but I want to remember these emotions and feelings
for myself down the road.
Disclaimer: These are personal feelings. I am not endorsing or
emphasizing a black and white work vs. stay at home
one-is-better-than-the-other dichotomy...if that is what you are
looking for, sorry! I realize not everyone has a choice to stay at
home, in which case--take these words as nothing more than a selfish
series of thoughts and experiences unique to my life.
Frequently when I was at home with the kids all day, I would have 5-30
minute intervals when I thought "I can squeeze in a little something
part-time...Wouldn't I feel a little more complete at the end of the
day if I had something to focus on outside of the home?"
I'd have other feelings such as: "These kids are resilient enough to
be raised by anyone... I could be replaced by a good babysitter... I
am wasting my time playing games, repetitively disciplining, nursing
all day, changing diapers etc...".
It's a tough job to stay at home. A job with no monetary reward and
usually little-to-no immediately mentally-stimulating benefits.
I would daydream about the grass being greener as a part-time working
mom, if I could just find that perfect niche of a career that still
allowed me to be 100% available and flexible for my children.
It seems as though I have found that 'perfectly flexible' job.
Teaching one day a week -- Evans comes home for his lunch break so
that I can go teach. I grade papers and plan lectures in the evenings
and on weekends (not during those short intervals of both kids being
occupied like I had once assumed I would do...because those intervals
are actually too small to invest into any type of substantial work).
For me, the truth about working part-time is not necessarily a perfect
scenario. It's complex. I love teaching. It is definitely something I
am meant to do. Yet, I have to set firm boundaries with the 20
students I have grown to love. I hate not being able to spend more
time helping each of them in ways that I know I can be of help. Not
having the time to reach out to each of them leads me to feelings of
discouragement as their teacher: "Why am I doing this job if I don't
have the time to give it 100% of my ability?"
Time is certainly my enemy as a working mother. I think: "if I could
just hire someone to keep an eye on that ring that grows around the
toilet...if I could hire someone to babysit my children on a whim when
I need to meet with a student considering dropping out of college...if
I could hire someone to vacuum the dog hair that slowly accumulates
around our kitchen table...if I could make enough money so that we
could eat out each evening and not spend so much time planning
meals/grocery shopping/cooking/cleaning up...if I could hire someone
to do the mounds of laundry a family of 4 incurs...".
I am also overwhelmed that Mondays are a mad dash for our family. It's
a difficult way to start the week.
But...when I pull out of the driveway and head towards campus, I smile at
myself. I think "you are finally doing what you have earned a Master's
degree for...and...you have a healthy break from the children!!"
When I came home from teaching yesterday, Van greeted me with the
biggest hug and said "Momma... You do good teaching today? Can you
come play with me?" and Jean-Margaret gave me the most enthusiastic
hand waving, excited, smiling, launch into my arms...
For a second it justifies being away from them and having such a
frantic day. Its proof before my eyes that my children love me and missed me which is reassuring. Then I realize the house has to be cleaned, laundry done,
dinner prepared... and my job does not earn enough money to hire a steady
flow of housekeepers and babysitters, nor does it compensate for picking
up takeout each evening.
Truthfully, I miss those days of being able to focus entirely on our
family and home. I am beginning to realize that I am not replaceable.
I cannot hire someone to clean our home the way I do. I cannot hire
someone to swoop in and care for my kids the way I am able to care for
them. While the mental and financial rewards of staying home are low,
there is significant, deep-rooted pride for me.
The jury is still out on the part-time job. I think the worst thing I
can do moving forward is assume that there is one 'ideal solution' for
me or for anyone. I cannot stereotype those who have different
priorities and different lifestyles. Each mother carries a unique
sense of good days and bad days--any mom has days that make her feel like a million bucks and any mom has days which can bring her to her knees. I cannot lose empathy for working
moms or stay at home moms. Each is a hard job with different highs and
lows. I vow to respect all women figuring it out as they go and not
criticize whatever works best for them. I hope this post accurately
and truthfully portrays what we are experiencing at the moment and
best expresses the complexity of this issue.
personal thoughts but I want to remember these emotions and feelings
for myself down the road.
Disclaimer: These are personal feelings. I am not endorsing or
emphasizing a black and white work vs. stay at home
one-is-better-than-the-other dichotomy...if that is what you are
looking for, sorry! I realize not everyone has a choice to stay at
home, in which case--take these words as nothing more than a selfish
series of thoughts and experiences unique to my life.
Frequently when I was at home with the kids all day, I would have 5-30
minute intervals when I thought "I can squeeze in a little something
part-time...Wouldn't I feel a little more complete at the end of the
day if I had something to focus on outside of the home?"
I'd have other feelings such as: "These kids are resilient enough to
be raised by anyone... I could be replaced by a good babysitter... I
am wasting my time playing games, repetitively disciplining, nursing
all day, changing diapers etc...".
It's a tough job to stay at home. A job with no monetary reward and
usually little-to-no immediately mentally-stimulating benefits.
I would daydream about the grass being greener as a part-time working
mom, if I could just find that perfect niche of a career that still
allowed me to be 100% available and flexible for my children.
It seems as though I have found that 'perfectly flexible' job.
Teaching one day a week -- Evans comes home for his lunch break so
that I can go teach. I grade papers and plan lectures in the evenings
and on weekends (not during those short intervals of both kids being
occupied like I had once assumed I would do...because those intervals
are actually too small to invest into any type of substantial work).
For me, the truth about working part-time is not necessarily a perfect
scenario. It's complex. I love teaching. It is definitely something I
am meant to do. Yet, I have to set firm boundaries with the 20
students I have grown to love. I hate not being able to spend more
time helping each of them in ways that I know I can be of help. Not
having the time to reach out to each of them leads me to feelings of
discouragement as their teacher: "Why am I doing this job if I don't
have the time to give it 100% of my ability?"
Time is certainly my enemy as a working mother. I think: "if I could
just hire someone to keep an eye on that ring that grows around the
toilet...if I could hire someone to babysit my children on a whim when
I need to meet with a student considering dropping out of college...if
I could hire someone to vacuum the dog hair that slowly accumulates
around our kitchen table...if I could make enough money so that we
could eat out each evening and not spend so much time planning
meals/grocery shopping/cooking/cleaning up...if I could hire someone
to do the mounds of laundry a family of 4 incurs...".
I am also overwhelmed that Mondays are a mad dash for our family. It's
a difficult way to start the week.
But...when I pull out of the driveway and head towards campus, I smile at
myself. I think "you are finally doing what you have earned a Master's
degree for...and...you have a healthy break from the children!!"
When I came home from teaching yesterday, Van greeted me with the
biggest hug and said "Momma... You do good teaching today? Can you
come play with me?" and Jean-Margaret gave me the most enthusiastic
hand waving, excited, smiling, launch into my arms...
For a second it justifies being away from them and having such a
frantic day. Its proof before my eyes that my children love me and missed me which is reassuring. Then I realize the house has to be cleaned, laundry done,
dinner prepared... and my job does not earn enough money to hire a steady
flow of housekeepers and babysitters, nor does it compensate for picking
up takeout each evening.
Truthfully, I miss those days of being able to focus entirely on our
family and home. I am beginning to realize that I am not replaceable.
I cannot hire someone to clean our home the way I do. I cannot hire
someone to swoop in and care for my kids the way I am able to care for
them. While the mental and financial rewards of staying home are low,
there is significant, deep-rooted pride for me.
The jury is still out on the part-time job. I think the worst thing I
can do moving forward is assume that there is one 'ideal solution' for
me or for anyone. I cannot stereotype those who have different
priorities and different lifestyles. Each mother carries a unique
sense of good days and bad days--any mom has days that make her feel like a million bucks and any mom has days which can bring her to her knees. I cannot lose empathy for working
moms or stay at home moms. Each is a hard job with different highs and
lows. I vow to respect all women figuring it out as they go and not
criticize whatever works best for them. I hope this post accurately
and truthfully portrays what we are experiencing at the moment and
best expresses the complexity of this issue.
