Forgive me for using our family's virtual scrapbook for voicing
personal thoughts but I want to remember these emotions and feelings
for myself down the road.
Disclaimer: These are personal feelings. I am not endorsing or
emphasizing a black and white work vs. stay at home
one-is-better-than-the-other dichotomy...if that is what you are
looking for, sorry! I realize not everyone has a choice to stay at
home, in which case--take these words as nothing more than a selfish
series of thoughts and experiences unique to my life.
Frequently when I was at home with the kids all day, I would have 5-30
minute intervals when I thought "I can squeeze in a little something
part-time...Wouldn't I feel a little more complete at the end of the
day if I had something to focus on outside of the home?"
I'd have other feelings such as: "These kids are resilient enough to
be raised by anyone... I could be replaced by a good babysitter... I
am wasting my time playing games, repetitively disciplining, nursing
all day, changing diapers etc...".
It's a tough job to stay at home. A job with no monetary reward and
usually little-to-no immediately mentally-stimulating benefits.
I would daydream about the grass being greener as a part-time working
mom, if I could just find that perfect niche of a career that still
allowed me to be 100% available and flexible for my children.
It seems as though I have found that 'perfectly flexible' job.
Teaching one day a week -- Evans comes home for his lunch break so
that I can go teach. I grade papers and plan lectures in the evenings
and on weekends (not during those short intervals of both kids being
occupied like I had once assumed I would do...because those intervals
are actually too small to invest into any type of substantial work).
For me, the truth about working part-time is not necessarily a perfect
scenario. It's complex. I love teaching. It is definitely something I
am meant to do. Yet, I have to set firm boundaries with the 20
students I have grown to love. I hate not being able to spend more
time helping each of them in ways that I know I can be of help. Not
having the time to reach out to each of them leads me to feelings of
discouragement as their teacher: "Why am I doing this job if I don't
have the time to give it 100% of my ability?"
Time is certainly my enemy as a working mother. I think: "if I could
just hire someone to keep an eye on that ring that grows around the
toilet...if I could hire someone to babysit my children on a whim when
I need to meet with a student considering dropping out of college...if
I could hire someone to vacuum the dog hair that slowly accumulates
around our kitchen table...if I could make enough money so that we
could eat out each evening and not spend so much time planning
meals/grocery shopping/cooking/cleaning up...if I could hire someone
to do the mounds of laundry a family of 4 incurs...".
I am also overwhelmed that Mondays are a mad dash for our family. It's
a difficult way to start the week.
But...when I pull out of the driveway and head towards campus, I smile at
myself. I think "you are finally doing what you have earned a Master's
degree for...and...you have a healthy break from the children!!"
When I came home from teaching yesterday, Van greeted me with the
biggest hug and said "Momma... You do good teaching today? Can you
come play with me?" and Jean-Margaret gave me the most enthusiastic
hand waving, excited, smiling, launch into my arms...
For a second it justifies being away from them and having such a
frantic day. Its proof before my eyes that my children love me and missed me which is reassuring. Then I realize the house has to be cleaned, laundry done,
dinner prepared... and my job does not earn enough money to hire a steady
flow of housekeepers and babysitters, nor does it compensate for picking
up takeout each evening.
Truthfully, I miss those days of being able to focus entirely on our
family and home. I am beginning to realize that I am not replaceable.
I cannot hire someone to clean our home the way I do. I cannot hire
someone to swoop in and care for my kids the way I am able to care for
them. While the mental and financial rewards of staying home are low,
there is significant, deep-rooted pride for me.
The jury is still out on the part-time job. I think the worst thing I
can do moving forward is assume that there is one 'ideal solution' for
me or for anyone. I cannot stereotype those who have different
priorities and different lifestyles. Each mother carries a unique
sense of good days and bad days--any mom has days that make her feel like a million bucks and any mom has days which can bring her to her knees. I cannot lose empathy for working
moms or stay at home moms. Each is a hard job with different highs and
lows. I vow to respect all women figuring it out as they go and not
criticize whatever works best for them. I hope this post accurately
and truthfully portrays what we are experiencing at the moment and
best expresses the complexity of this issue.
personal thoughts but I want to remember these emotions and feelings
for myself down the road.
Disclaimer: These are personal feelings. I am not endorsing or
emphasizing a black and white work vs. stay at home
one-is-better-than-the-other dichotomy...if that is what you are
looking for, sorry! I realize not everyone has a choice to stay at
home, in which case--take these words as nothing more than a selfish
series of thoughts and experiences unique to my life.
Frequently when I was at home with the kids all day, I would have 5-30
minute intervals when I thought "I can squeeze in a little something
part-time...Wouldn't I feel a little more complete at the end of the
day if I had something to focus on outside of the home?"
I'd have other feelings such as: "These kids are resilient enough to
be raised by anyone... I could be replaced by a good babysitter... I
am wasting my time playing games, repetitively disciplining, nursing
all day, changing diapers etc...".
It's a tough job to stay at home. A job with no monetary reward and
usually little-to-no immediately mentally-stimulating benefits.
I would daydream about the grass being greener as a part-time working
mom, if I could just find that perfect niche of a career that still
allowed me to be 100% available and flexible for my children.
It seems as though I have found that 'perfectly flexible' job.
Teaching one day a week -- Evans comes home for his lunch break so
that I can go teach. I grade papers and plan lectures in the evenings
and on weekends (not during those short intervals of both kids being
occupied like I had once assumed I would do...because those intervals
are actually too small to invest into any type of substantial work).
For me, the truth about working part-time is not necessarily a perfect
scenario. It's complex. I love teaching. It is definitely something I
am meant to do. Yet, I have to set firm boundaries with the 20
students I have grown to love. I hate not being able to spend more
time helping each of them in ways that I know I can be of help. Not
having the time to reach out to each of them leads me to feelings of
discouragement as their teacher: "Why am I doing this job if I don't
have the time to give it 100% of my ability?"
Time is certainly my enemy as a working mother. I think: "if I could
just hire someone to keep an eye on that ring that grows around the
toilet...if I could hire someone to babysit my children on a whim when
I need to meet with a student considering dropping out of college...if
I could hire someone to vacuum the dog hair that slowly accumulates
around our kitchen table...if I could make enough money so that we
could eat out each evening and not spend so much time planning
meals/grocery shopping/cooking/cleaning up...if I could hire someone
to do the mounds of laundry a family of 4 incurs...".
I am also overwhelmed that Mondays are a mad dash for our family. It's
a difficult way to start the week.
But...when I pull out of the driveway and head towards campus, I smile at
myself. I think "you are finally doing what you have earned a Master's
degree for...and...you have a healthy break from the children!!"
When I came home from teaching yesterday, Van greeted me with the
biggest hug and said "Momma... You do good teaching today? Can you
come play with me?" and Jean-Margaret gave me the most enthusiastic
hand waving, excited, smiling, launch into my arms...
For a second it justifies being away from them and having such a
frantic day. Its proof before my eyes that my children love me and missed me which is reassuring. Then I realize the house has to be cleaned, laundry done,
dinner prepared... and my job does not earn enough money to hire a steady
flow of housekeepers and babysitters, nor does it compensate for picking
up takeout each evening.
Truthfully, I miss those days of being able to focus entirely on our
family and home. I am beginning to realize that I am not replaceable.
I cannot hire someone to clean our home the way I do. I cannot hire
someone to swoop in and care for my kids the way I am able to care for
them. While the mental and financial rewards of staying home are low,
there is significant, deep-rooted pride for me.
The jury is still out on the part-time job. I think the worst thing I
can do moving forward is assume that there is one 'ideal solution' for
me or for anyone. I cannot stereotype those who have different
priorities and different lifestyles. Each mother carries a unique
sense of good days and bad days--any mom has days that make her feel like a million bucks and any mom has days which can bring her to her knees. I cannot lose empathy for working
moms or stay at home moms. Each is a hard job with different highs and
lows. I vow to respect all women figuring it out as they go and not
criticize whatever works best for them. I hope this post accurately
and truthfully portrays what we are experiencing at the moment and
best expresses the complexity of this issue.
Well said, Em. I'm proud of you!
ReplyDeleteLove it, you are awesome at all of it and I really appreciate and value all of your advice as a fellow mom and wonderful friend!
ReplyDeleteVery well said indeed. If all moms could be as gracious, kind and non-judgmental towards eachother the world would be a better place! You're doing an incredible job and this is tough!
ReplyDeleteVery well said indeed. If all moms could be as gracious, kind and non-judgmental towards eachother the world would be a better place! You're doing an incredible job and this is tough!
ReplyDelete