It is interesting how different seasons of life inspire different emotions. Sometimes I am driven to expunge my feelings and creativity by painting. Other times I am excited to tune out feelings and hide behind a steady rhythm and routine (and usually grade papers). Lately I have been sentimental about the kids changing so much! It inspires me to jot down some thoughts and feelings because it all feels so fleeting.
Van found my old laptop and was digging through tons of old photos and videos. Most of them were just mundane, simple moments that I had captured over the past 13 years. He was enthralled. So were Abe and Jeanie. So was I. These everyday giggles and smiles that I thought were cute to photograph for fun now feel like archaic treasures that I want to keep in my heart and mind forever. They are such good reminders of how many memories we have made as a family and how much these kids have changed over the years.
I know the kids change so much with every phase of life from the second they are born! They start smiling, sitting up, crawling, eating, walking, preschool, birthdays, activities... each season bringing new accomplishments and new stages. However, something more extreme has shifted with Van (and Jeanie) this year. They have both gone from what I would describe as simple, lighthearted, jolly, effervescent, and habitual, to more complex, curious, unpredictable, and independent. I know the first description sounds more pleasant (and sometimes it feels that way), but overall, I don't mean to imply that the changes are bad.
In fact, I am having a hard time describing what I am witnessing. There is definitely a heaviness about them. Things they used to let roll off their backs, now lingers a little longer. Morning and evening rhythms of dinner/shower/book/bed are now spent studying, late evening sports practices, chatting with friends and *sometimes* we can squeeze in a family dinner and Jeopardy. It feels like I used to be able to curate and surround all three kids with a warmth and coziness that is no longer in my control. I guess a good way to describe it, is that they have both shifted outward. We used to spend so much time all together, like a little team of our own. Now they are invested in other activities, groups, and friendships.
I'm learning to embrace their quest for independence (and know it is a good thing) but I do wish there was a manual for mamas during this time. It can be difficult to remember that part of growing up well will be built around making mistakes and learning from them. It can also be difficult to watch these little homemade movies. All someone has to do is poot, and hysterical giggles ensue. Emotional contentment for them felt so very simple. Luckily Abe still keeps us cackling with his potty word humor and love for singing rap songs...but he too is growing up so much more quickly than Van did at his age. (And he gauges everything in his life around what Van and Jeanie get to do... he does not miss a thing.)
There are obviously big positives in the phase we are in now. I LOVE traveling with our family. It has been a blessing to be able to go out west the past two summers and we will go abroad to France this summer. It brings me so much joy to watch them experience new surroundings and bravely try new activities. I love how I can pay Van to tutor Jeanie. It feels like a sneaky inside job...but he is very good at it, and she has improved her confidence and grades so it is a win/win situation. ;-) I love that my kids each have something they enjoy making in the kitchen. For Van, it is fish and coconut rice with a salad. Jeanie makes our breakfast muffins. Abe creates smoothie concoctions. I love that they can all "wash and put away" (notice I did not write "fold" because I have lowered my expectations in that arena) their laundry.
They inspire me so much with their active lifestyles. Van is running cross country, track, played on the middle school basketball team, and is trying out for lacrosse this spring. He surfs, swims, and plays tennis. He is on his way to Eagle Scout and completing confirmation at church. He still plays the guitar. Jeanie loves to perform and has gotten really invested in tennis. She will play on a local tennis team this spring. She loves swimming and surfing. There is not a water sport she is afraid to try. She adores her dog and cat and walks Letty to the pond almost daily. Our favorite thing to do together is to go see a good play. Abe is nonstop with basketball and flag football. He loves them both and if you asked him to pick a favorite, he would be tortured to do so. He loves skateboarding, surfing, fishing, and wakeboarding. Abe is an "artsy" kid and I love seeing what he creates in art class at school. Sometimes he scavenges through the recycle bin and creates some 3D wonder from empty cans and newspapers.
When they tell me they are proud of me for teaching AND being their mama, my heart about explodes. It is my favorite to get a homemade card with a genuine message from each of them at a holiday. From time-to-time Van still asks me for a hug (he recently surpassed me in height and his shoes are too big for me). There are so many mixed feelings and ups and downs about where we are right now, but I just wanted to add a little highlight in here to remember a snapshot of life in 2023.
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