Life 2024.

I remember taking all three kids to Target when Abe was a baby. (Jeanie was 1 and Van was 4.)

Strangers would comment: "Woah! Supermom!!" or "You have your hands full!" as if the physical burden of wrangling three young children in a store was solid proof that I was an incredible mother. Those comments gave me a deep-rooted sense of pride:

I echoed to myself: "YES. I am a supermom. YES. I am good at what I do."

 The difficulty of raising three young children is obvious. The difficulty of raising 3 older children seems invisible.

In 2024, as a mom of a 10-, 12-, and 14-year-old... I can confidently proclaim that I have never worked harder, been more exhausted, more overwhelmed, and more invisible as a mother of three. 

I long for the "simple" task of taking my kids to Target. However, the comment I get now (if any) is: "At least your kids don't need you as much as they used to."

This comment seems to imply that the weight of motherhood has lifted now that my children have aged. It is implied that somehow my schedule has simplified and what is needed of me has diminished.  

That is not the case.

I would really like to put in words the "invisible burden of motherhood" to communicate the required menial drudgery involved in being a "supermom" to older kids these days because so many seem to forget or not understand the impact, value, and need for one parent to take on the weight of these things for their family. 

I am blown away by the demands on mothers and would have loved to have understood this a few years ago so that I knew what was on the horizon. I also wish mothers of older kids got a deeper sense of pride from taking on so many hard tasks for their families that are literally invisible from the outside.

My goal in writing this is that maybe if mothers continue to explain and advocate the demands on themselves, that parents can learn to divide these parenting burdens more evenly and eventually allow mothers more equal opportunities working outside of the home without having to primarily and simultaneously juggle the parenting burdens. 

That is hard though, as one of my kid's teachers asked him yesterday: "Why did your mom buy you shoes that are way too big? Do not wear those again." [Dad bought the shoes, which I appreciate because it is one less thing for me to do. But why was it assumed this was my fault? Spoiler alert: Because it is always the mom's fault.]

I struggle with how best to communicate the steady pace of disruptions. I have heard it described as "It's like I have 1,000 tabs open in my brain and they never get closed." If I listed out the daily tasks I aim to do each day, someone (including myself) might misjudge the amount of time needed to complete a seemingly simple task. 

For example: "Reschedule a child's tutoring appointment as it now conflicts with a sport practice." Anyone would assume this might take a quick email...five minutes maximum. An hour later...you realize this "simple" scheduling task has now taken 60 minutes of your day and is still not determined but needs to be. You decide to put it on hold, but keep this tab opened because it is important to resolve. However, in those 60 minutes of back-and-forth scheduling attempts, you have halfway completed a T-Shirt order form (that you realize you selected the wrong size for) so you keep that tab open as well. While this is happening, you realize you have 37 notifications from the kids' schools. THIRTY SEVEN. (This is true.) This includes emails, sports app notifications, and text messages (not to mention a missed call from another organization asking if you can volunteer for a week over the summer).

Let's go back to the '90s for a moment. Did the school ever send home 37 forms in one day? Isn't the point of apps to have "all the information in one place?" Yet, I now manage 4 separate sports apps for the kids that ping with details all day long. It is just another thing to filter through and add to the calendar. 

Isn't email supposed to simplify the paper trail? But my guess is that the ease of sending an email is leading to MORE expectations and last-minute communication between schools, sports, churches, and allowing (in some cases) poor organization and planning on the front end because "it is so easy to shoot an email" or "we will keep you posted if something changes" or "check the app for updates." 

Who is responsible for reading these 37 notifications? Does Evans get all 37? No, he does not. Can I choose to ignore them? Yes. Will there be an impact on me if I ignore them? In some cases-- yes. 

For example, thirty minutes before time to pick up the kids from school, one of those tedious "pings" was an alert that one kid's practice time and location had changed. If I ignore that ping, my child misses practice. Whose fault is that? [Mom's fault] 

Yet, if I do read all the pings...and I do get my kids everywhere all the time with everything they need...where are the strangers reminding me: I am supermom? 

Why does it feel so invisible to work so hard? I have not even tackled the added element of patrolling phones and social media. Keeping tabs on all the devices is an extremely important (and tedious) yet invisible job that mostly falls on mothers.

I do hear: "You must be so proud of what they have accomplished." YES. I am. I am proud of their hard work, good choices, and grit. 

But part of me wants to shout out: "They have been successful because I CARE to keep a pulse on ALL the things in their life. And it is HARD to care all the time and stay on top of all the things..." But this feels selfish and greedy to point out...so I don't. 

My efforts stay hidden, and the invisible work continues. Am I a better mom than Evans is a dad? Not really. 

But I am working so much harder as a parent. 

How do we quantify that fairly in a way that is respected and valued by those around us?

 

Life 2023.

It is interesting how different seasons of life inspire different emotions. Sometimes I am driven to expunge my feelings and creativity by painting. Other times I am excited to tune out feelings and hide behind a steady rhythm and routine (and usually grade papers). Lately I have been sentimental about the kids changing so much! It inspires me to jot down some thoughts and feelings because it all feels so fleeting. 

Van found my old laptop and was digging through tons of old photos and videos. Most of them were just mundane, simple moments that I had captured over the past 13 years. He was enthralled. So were Abe and Jeanie. So was I. These everyday giggles and smiles that I thought were cute to photograph for fun now feel like archaic treasures that I want to keep in my heart and mind forever. They are such good reminders of how many memories we have made as a family and how much these kids have changed over the years. 

I know the kids change so much with every phase of life from the second they are born! They start smiling, sitting up, crawling, eating, walking, preschool, birthdays, activities... each season bringing new accomplishments and new stages. However, something more extreme has shifted with Van (and Jeanie) this year. They have both gone from what I would describe as simple, lighthearted, jolly, effervescent, and habitual, to more complex, curious, unpredictable, and independent. I know the first description sounds more pleasant (and sometimes it feels that way), but overall, I don't mean to imply that the changes are bad. 

In fact, I am having a hard time describing what I am witnessing. There is definitely a heaviness about them. Things they used to let roll off their backs, now lingers a little longer. Morning and evening rhythms of dinner/shower/book/bed are now spent studying, late evening sports practices, chatting with friends and *sometimes* we can squeeze in a family dinner and Jeopardy. It feels like I used to be able to curate and surround all three kids with a warmth and coziness that is no longer in my control. I guess a good way to describe it, is that they have both shifted outward. We used to spend so much time all together, like a little team of our own. Now they are invested in other activities, groups, and friendships. 

I'm learning to embrace their quest for independence (and know it is a good thing) but I do wish there was a manual for mamas during this time. It can be difficult to remember that part of growing up well will be built around making mistakes and learning from them. It can also be difficult to watch these little homemade movies. All someone has to do is poot, and hysterical giggles ensue. Emotional contentment for them felt so very simple. Luckily Abe still keeps us cackling with his potty word humor and love for singing rap songs...but he too is growing up so much more quickly than Van did at his age. (And he gauges everything in his life around what Van and Jeanie get to do... he does not miss a thing.)

There are obviously big positives in the phase we are in now. I LOVE traveling with our family. It has been a blessing to be able to go out west the past two summers and we will go abroad to France this summer. It brings me so much joy to watch them experience new surroundings and bravely try new activities. I love how I can pay Van to tutor Jeanie. It feels like a sneaky inside job...but he is very good at it, and she has improved her confidence and grades so it is a win/win situation. ;-) I love that my kids each have something they enjoy making in the kitchen. For Van, it is fish and coconut rice with a salad. Jeanie makes our breakfast muffins. Abe creates smoothie concoctions. I love that they can all "wash and put away" (notice I did not write "fold" because I have lowered my expectations in that arena) their laundry.

They inspire me so much with their active lifestyles. Van is running cross country, track, played on the middle school basketball team, and is trying out for lacrosse this spring. He surfs, swims, and plays tennis. He is on his way to Eagle Scout and completing confirmation at church. He still plays the guitar. Jeanie loves to perform and has gotten really invested in tennis. She will play on a local tennis team this spring. She loves swimming and surfing. There is not a water sport she is afraid to try. She adores her dog and cat and walks Letty to the pond almost daily. Our favorite thing to do together is to go see a good play. Abe is nonstop with basketball and flag football. He loves them both and if you asked him to pick a favorite, he would be tortured to do so. He loves skateboarding, surfing, fishing, and wakeboarding. Abe is an "artsy" kid and I love seeing what he creates in art class at school. Sometimes he scavenges through the recycle bin and creates some 3D wonder from empty cans and newspapers. 

When they tell me they are proud of me for teaching AND being their mama, my heart about explodes. It is my favorite to get a homemade card with a genuine message from each of them at a holiday. From time-to-time Van still asks me for a hug (he recently surpassed me in height and his shoes are too big for me). There are so many mixed feelings and ups and downs about where we are right now, but I just wanted to add a little highlight in here to remember a snapshot of life in 2023. 

I

Jean-Margaret's 9th and 10th Birthdays!

Jeanie's 9th birthday was all about tennis. She had been taking lessons for a while and wanted to play with her friends! She had also been begging for a kitten for a couple of years. Noticing how sweetly she took care of Letty and how much she wanted a pet of her own, we decided to adopt "Dr. Moons" from the shelter. He is seriously the sweetest cat in the world. 

She spent many days dressing her cat in her American Girl Doll clothes and singing him lullabies. They are both very content with this relationship! :)

For Jeanie's 10th birthday, she asked to go on her "mom and dad" trip to Charleston. Celebrating 10 years of Jean-Margaret is very easy to do. She is a delightful child who can usually always find the good in situations. When she was not able to go to camp (due to asymptomatic covid...but a positive test result) she decided to put a tent on the back porch and pretend to camp that week. It wasn't the adventure she hoped for, but she kept a smile on her face. Charleston was all about exploring, eating, and shopping. We took a ghost tour carriage ride and she spent about an hour browsing the cutest little bookshop downtown. She got to visit her oldest friend, Ginny, and the awesome aquarium. She got the gift she wanted...her very own surfboard. I cannot believe all this child does. She is brave, smart, sporty, and a REALLY good big (and little) sister, and cat mommy. We love you Jeanie!

Now that I have updated her last two birthdays, it is now time for her 11th birthday this weekend :)

Maybe I will post that before she goes to college. ;-)

Abe's 7th, 8th, and 9th Birthdays

 It is hard to believe that "baby" Abe turns 10 this year. Now seems like a good time to document his 7th, 8th, and 9th birthdays before he hits double digits. For his 7th birthday, we had a costume party. His day-before-Halloween birthday always allows for a fun celebration. 

(Had to document this gift as it was a favorite for quite some time!)

We spent Abe's 8th birthday where we spend most Saturday nights in the fall... on the flag football field. He was on the Titan's Under the Lights team with some friends, so it just made sense to bring the cake to the game. We also attempted to have a "movie in the park" but due to the wind conditions, the park cancelled the movie at the last minute. Since he had invited some friends to join, (and it was dark), we decided to play hide & go seek with flashlights. Some kids hid a little too well, but it ended up being a fun night. His gift this year was to welcome his very own pet, Rusty the Red (a beta fish).

For Abe's ninth birthday, he was adamant that we go to the trampoline park. There is something about Abe's energy level that has been firecracker style since he was born. He had the best time running and jumping with all of his friends in a semi-post-covid world. What he wanted most for his 9th birthday was a real typewriter. Unfortunately, I could not find one that made sense for a 9-year-old, so I got him a good clicky keyboard to go with his tablet. 

I cannot wait to see where he wants to go for his special "mom and dad" trip for his 10th birthday. So far his #1 choice is Panther's football game in Charlotte. There is something very sentimental about having kids so close in age. Every milestone we celebrate for Van, Jeanie is right around the corner...and so is Abe! It's all going by so quickly and I know one day we will be happy to look back on all the fun celebrations.

Van's 11th, 12th, & 13th Birthdays

How do we have a teenager? How have I missed writing about three birthdays already? I wish these days would sometimes move a little slower like they seemed to when the kids were younger. For Van's 11th birthday, he asked to invite some buddies to go fishing at the Johnny Mercer pier:

                                         

For Van's 12th birthday, he already had a camping trip with scouts to Masonboro Island. He enjoyed that, and then asked if Evans could take a few of his good friends fishing that Sunday they returned home. Evans literally loaded up the camping gear back onto the boat and rode straight to the marina to pick up Van's friends. It was a beautiful day (and only one friend fell into the water!! ;-). 

He decided to break the fishing theme for his 13th birthday and wanted to have a big sleepover after the school fall festival that happened to fall on his birthday. It was a lot of rap music, basketball, Gatorade, donuts, pizza, and fun. The boys rode bikes to the marina and went on a little boat ride. They stayed up most of the night chatting and watching movies. Thirteen years of celebrating a really awesome kid... I cannot believe how much he has accomplished in 13 years. I do miss him being little, but I am equally as excited about the young man he is becoming. 

(A full wipe out nap post sleepover.)